Proud of My Loneliness
by Erutan Xiku
Summary: Goku broods about his role and importance in the group. Coming to a decision he decides to leave...will he realise the truth behind the masks? At the time, I hadn't seen an ep nor read a chapter, just episode summaries
1. Part: 1

Proud of My Loneliness

Disclaimer: I do not own Saiyuki, nor did I have anything to do with its creation, and all content referring to Saiyuki belongs to Minekura Kazuya. Also any characters that do not appear in the original Saiyuki series have nothing to do with the game, and strictly appear for the purpose of this story.

~Part: 1~

"Hey Sanzo…when're we gonna stop? I'm hungry…and I don't think I'll be able to take another step…" Goku droned, his stomach growling to add to his testimony.

            "Just shut up, you brainless ape, it's not like you're the only one that's hungry," came Gojyo's somewhat light reprimand, "and besides, you're still walking since you made that statement about not being able to take another step," he added, turning about to watch the slow-going teen make his sluggish progress.

            "Fuck you, you perverted cockroach kappa…I haven't had a decent meal in like…ages," the younger male continued, in an indifferent tone of voice. They had been travelling through this long stretch of grassy plains, for god knew how many days, and through it all they had not been able to eat properly, nor had they come across a single sign of civilisation.

            "Well, you're quite welcome to, but I only play dominant with the fairer sex…come to think of it, I only play with them as well, so go sate your fetish somewhere else, dumbass," the redhead replied, his tone light at first then demeaning, as he smirked belittlingly at the tiring young man, taking pleasure in the evident anger creeping onto his face.

            "You know full well what I meant, and don't call me 'dumbass', asshole," Goku growled, warning the half-breed man to watch what he was saying. The older mans smile widened, his equally blood-red eyes flashing, as he looked down on the youth malevolently.

            "Or else what, monkey-boy? You gonna thrash me? You gonna cry to Sanzo? What're you gonna do, ape?" he taunted, then drew up short as a sharp 'click' sounded somewhere very close to him.

            "You wanna try dying for once?" came the cool, yet harsh tones of the monk, the blond man whom they travelled west with. Gojyo caught the slightly surprised look pass over the younger youkai's face, and then smiled as he shrugged in an offhanded manner.

            "Sanzo…you know I was only messing about…then again, you also know that I won't die as easily as that, not yet anyway," the half-breed stated, his tone light and displaying the fact that he didn't mean a word that he had said to the young youkai. A cruel smile tugged at the corners of the monk's lips, but he did not remove his weapon away from Gojyo's plume of red hair.

            "Shall we test the truth of your words…although I may reconsider if you decide to shut that goddamn mouth of yours, you fucked up kappa," the blond suggested, his tone of voice getting darker as he allowed the trigger to sound another sharp 'click'. The redhead allowed his tall posture to sag slightly, displaying his decision to resign and heed the leader's words, for now. Satisfied with this wise decision on the younger mans part, he turned and continued onward, tucking the small handgun away, "So…how far do you reckon we are from the next town, or village, Hakkai?"

            "According to the map…we're about a few hours away, and since Hakuryuu is in no shape to morph into the jeep…" at this, the small white dragon that was draped over one shoulder, made a sound of agreement, its head rising weakly, then falling back down to rest, "then, we should be there probably just before sunset," the dark haired man said, the monocle over his right eye glinting in the sunlight. He raised a hand, and stroked the fine hairs travelling along his dragon companions serpentine neck, ending with a gentle tickle to its under jaw, to which it nuzzled its head affectionately along his cheek, only to be rewarded with a gentle laugh. Sanzo sighed, letting out a masked amused laugh, then turned about to see the young youkai standing some way away, an astonished expression on his face.

            "Come on you ape, quit gawking and get a move on," he said, his tone harsh and cold, as his character was accustomed to. When the young man did not respond immediately, the violet-eyed man scowled and drew in a sharp breath, "I said get a move on, you idiot!" Yanked out of his startled state, Goku shook his head to clear it of his thoughts, and nodded to show that he had heard and trotted up to keep pace.

            "Dumbass ape," Gojyo stated under his breath as he watched the brown-haired adolescent jog past him, carrying their bags and trying to keep pace with the other two men.

~*~

They paused, reaching the rise of the hill they had been climbing, and sitting among the cool grass, catching their breath from the hard climb. Goku was the last to join them and carried on walking, despite the weariness he felt, he appeared to be oblivious to the other three men who had decided to take a short respite, and were now watching him as he walked ahead of them, then paused. A frown flitted across their faces as they thought about why he had stopped further ahead than they, and why he was standing like a statue. _'I swear the ape's gone mad,_' Gojyo thought, a smile playing on his lips, he was about to open his mouth to say something, when Sanzo stretched his neck and stepped up to join the young youkai.

            He watched as Hakkai came to his feet wordlessly, passing a beckoning look to the half-breed, and joined the two where they stood. Shrugging, Gojyo came to his own feet and followed suit, once all four had been assembled, he could see that they were very close to a small village, practically located at the base of this hill, meaning they would be able to make it in a matter of minutes.

            "It's so beautiful…" Goku murmured, stating it as a compliment and as a relief from their long trek. The small village, nestled at the base of the hill, surrounded by the natural beauty of the trees, symbolised a respite from their journey west, allowing them to stock up on supplies, and providing them with a warm, soft place to sleep…not to mention a warm, fresh, all-you-can-eat meal.

            "Lets get going," Sanzo said, and then moved off without waiting for the others. Goku didn't hesitate, but followed the blond in his footsteps, keeping within range so as not to fall behind, and was followed shortly after by the other two youkai.


	2. Part: 2

Proud of My Loneliness

~Part: 2~

The bed felt so good, so soft and comforting. It felt better than anything he had slept on since the last time, which would specifically have been the jeep, which Hakuryuu turned into, but soon became the hard, grass-padded earth when he became too weak to transform. They had been greeted warmly, just like at any other town and village that knew about the journey the Sanzo group were undertaking. He remembered the heavenly taste of that well cooked and prepared meal, his stomach beginning to yearn for more as his mouth began to salivate all over again.

They had certainly eaten well, at least he knew he did, after all Gojyo did get his share of his fun, which was short-lived since he had made that comment about the half-breed being a bit odd in his tastes, then they had both been whacked by that massive paper fan. Hakkai had been calm and polite, as ever, even though the young youkai would have sworn that one of those waitresses had become swayed with that smile of his, and Sanzo…well, he had just been Sanzo, cold as ever and indifferent, although when he had hit them, it appeared that he had actually enjoyed it.

Goku rolled onto his side, relishing the feel of the sheets he lay between, he wasn't asleep yet, and nor did he plan to. He sighed as he looked out from the window that was before him, gazing up at the moon that hung among that star-dappled sky, with the odd shapes of the clouds drifting lazily past. He heard Sanzo shuffle about in the other bed, obviously awake and finding it hard to sleep, _'Maybe now's a good time to ask…'_

            "Sanzo…" the young youkai began his tone tentative in case he should bother the monk, whom he knew to be irritable when he was having trouble sleeping. A sound of acknowledgement came from behind him, and Goku knew that he was awake. He chewed his lip nervously, as he thought of how to phrase the words he wanted to ask, then sensing that the blond man was getting impatient, he took a deep breath and asked, "I was just wondering…why did you stick up for me back there…when Gojyo was being the prick he is?" he could hear Sanzo shuffle about in his bed again, but this time it lasted longer, and he knew it was deliberately done.

            "Goku…I didn't protect you back there okay…I never have," he stated, his tone cold and matter-of-fact, "if it appears that I've been protecting you all this time, then I have to tell you, its just that my interests happen to coincide with you being safe, so I have never protected you…to explain for today, that bastard kappa brought me into your argument, I had to set him straight," he ended, his words carrying the finality of his explanation. The brown-haired teen continued to look out the window, listening to every word spoken by the monk, then swallowed down the lump that seemed to unexpectedly form in his throat.

            "Right…okay…'night, Sanzo," he managed to say, without revealing the true extent of his hurt feelings, and not even expecting a response to what he just said. _'Why does he have to be so cold…if he hates my presence…then why did he let me follow him this far…'_ He thought, his brow drawing close together as he stifled the tears that threatened, _'I can't stay here…I've got to go…'_ he concluded, feeling that his presence would be a burden, and further increase his misery. He lay there for some time; waiting until the other mans breathing became slow, and then rose out of his bed, sitting at the edge, contemplating his idea. He looked up again out into the night sky, then sighed, and went about to retrieve his clothes to dress himself.

            He stepped up to the door, holding his staff in one hand as he slid the door open, and then froze as a sudden moan came from the blond monk. He turned to find the full-blooded humans' brow knitted together, revealing he was having a bad dream of some sort, and then quietly he made his way over to his bedside, standing over him, a somewhat pained expression on his face. Goku sniffed once, reaching out a hand and placed it gently along Sanzo's brow, stroking the blond locks he seemed to remember from another life…that was if he ever had another life before this one, _'No one can ever replace you as the Sun…Sanzo…no one…'_ he thought, then chewed his lower lip to keep from sobbing there and then. He turned about swiftly, and stepped through the doors, closing them gently behind him, and began to walk down the hall towards the exit, when he stopped outside the room that Hakkai and Gojyo were sharing.

            He looked at it, wondering if he should say some form of good-bye to these two as well. The thought still unprocessed within his mind, he placed his ear against the door, trying to see if they were sleeping, he didn't want to leave with one of them awake, it would ruin everything he had decided to do that night, the decision coming to him on impulse. He let out a small breath in relief; he couldn't a single sound, apart from their gentle breathing, and so he slowly opened the door, a small crack at first allowing his eyes to roam about the room, then wider so that he could step in. He closed the door behind him, and stood there by the doors for some time, watching the two men sleep. The white body of Hakuryuu was nestled warmly on top of Hakkai's chest, rising and falling with his steady breathing, _'God, it must be comforting to be there…and even more so to know that you're cared for…'_ he thought, then moved up beside the bed, watching their sleeping forms.

            "Good-bye Hakkai…Hakuryuu…" came the young youkai's whispered tones; he stood there watching them for a few more moments, then stepped up to Gojyo's bed, where he found the man practically hidden beneath the covers, save for one of his arms. Goku's face softened, it was hard to imagine that such a man who looked so nice in his sleep, could cause him so much grief…even though it was all in good humour, and he understood that, because he too tormented the half-breed for the same sense of humour. "See ya Gojyo…" He whispered, then sighed, "I'm gonna miss you pissing me off, just like I'm hoping you'll miss me fucking up your life…guess I'm gonna miss your perverted kappa-ness even more…" He turned away from the sleeping redhead, and made his way to the doors of the room, turning back one last time, "I really envy you…Hakuryuu…sleep well," he whispered, then opened the door and stepped out into the dormant Inn.

            All business had been packed up for the night, the proprietors deep within their slumber, so he knew he was able to slip out unnoticed. He walked down the halls, and went through the doors that led to the bar area of the Inn, from here he wove between the neatly placed and cleaned tables, benches and chairs, reaching the doors that led out into to the cool, moonlit night. He hesitated as he placed his hand on the door handle, then drew in a deep breath, _'I've made my decision…now I'm gonna stick to it…'_ he thought, then twisted the handle, as he pushed the door open and stepped out into the sleeping town they were staying at.

            He looked up and down the dimly lit streets, and drew up his collar against the light wind that sailed lazily by, a sense of excitement and apprehension filling within him, _'I can't believe I'm going to do this…but I can't stay with them any longer…besides, I've been on my own far longer than any of them have…'_ he thought to himself, trying to reassure his fast-fraying nerves. He drew in a deep breath, steadying himself, calming himself, steeling himself against the rush of emotions he felt, and faced the way they had come earlier that day. Using his pole as a support, he walked through the sleeping town, and back the way he had come with the others, making his way back to the hill they'd stopped at for a short respite.


	3. Part: 3

Proud of My Loneliness

~Part: 3~

As he walked on through the clumps of trees, that surrounded the base of the hill and covered most of the distance between it and the town, thoughts of his companions began to fill his mind, building up the doubt he had in his ability to take care of himself.

            "I've survived on my own for far longer than any of them put together," he said out loud, shoving branches and waltzing through the clumps of brush that gathered about on his path, "so that makes me lonely by nature…no one was there with me, and no one's going to be with me ever," _'Why?'_ came the unbidden thought, taking him by surprise, "Why? Why what?" he asked back to the little voice in his head, _'Why can't anyone ever be with you?'_ it asked, and he felt a sudden rush of jumbled emotions fill within him, the most prominent being an unjustified anger, "You want to know 'why', okay then, I'll tell you 'why', it's because no one can understand what it feels like to be trapped in a goddamn mountain for five-hundred fucking years! That's what separates me from them; they'll never know the isolation that haunts me…" he trailed off, his voice cracking as tears of anger and frustration burned his eyes.

            He continued to beat his way through the foliage, unable to find the path they had made earlier, and nor did he care to find it, it was only one more of those cursed reminders of the group he believed to have been his friends, _'What makes you disbelieve now?'_ the voice asked, and he sighed, not answering the question immediately as he came to rest against the bark of a large tree. He leaned his back against it, then slid down to the soft grass, resting his head against the hard surface of the outer flesh of the tree, "What makes me disbelieve…their behaviour, the way they treat me…" he replied, his tone sad and devoid of its usual light. He let out a long breath, then continued, "They all treat me like I'm some sort of imbecile…they belittle me, calling me an 'ape', or 'monkey', and insulting my intelligence…all of them…even Sanzo…whom I believed to have really cared for me, as a person…but no, he told me the truth of it all…it's apparent that I'm an unwanted burden…even Gojyo," he paused, thinking of how to phrase the strange relationship they shared, "he doesn't bother me much, since I know most of what he says is part of his humour, but still…some of the things he says…it hurts…especially what he said today, calling me a 'dumbass ape' behind my back…" he trailed off, remembering that he had heard this comment, and knew that the half-breed had not thought that the young youkai would have heard.

            Silence lingered between him and the voice in his head, the voice that he knew came from somewhere deep within, a separate, more logical sense of his self. When he thought the silence would last and he could be left in peace, the voice spoke again, still in that gentle, companionable tone, _'…What about Hakkai?'_ "Hakkai…?" the name passed his lips, drifting off into the night, _'Yeah, what about the guy? Has he deserved your leaving him?'_ the voice asked, its tone curious. Goku seemed to drift off then, his eyes losing focus, as he looked back on everything, "Hakkai…" he said again, his eyes beginning to refocus but clouded over again, "Hakkai…no…he was always nice…even when I messed about with his dragon…but still…it's hard to tell when he's joking and when he's not, so…I can't go back…never…" he stated, his voice a monotone. He could feel himself become dejected, separating his weakness of being emotional from his body, becoming the shell he so despised, but had to become.

It was a kind of solace, this feeling of loneliness, isolation, it was what had been with him for those five-hundred years of unbearable torture, god knew how he was able to survive it without going mad, locked up in that mountain-prison, forced to continue looking out through the hole, that provided the only source of light. A humourless smile played on his face, ironic, how he had been rescued by the man whose hair shone like the Sun, triggering a distant memory he could not place the source of, only to be sent back into a similar kind of prison, but more painful. He was free, but still isolated and alone, "And I'm friggin' proud of it…" his voice hinting at a short, proud chuckle that was unable to pass, due to the lack of emotions he had forced himself into.

            He sat there for some time, his eyes gazing at nothing in particular, his body feeling nothing, his mind empty of everything, he was a shell now, but a living shell despite the negative presence he now imposed. He did not stir at anything, he no longer felt the urges he had felt for so long, and sought to satisfy while in their company…they, who were they…he couldn't remember, nor did he care, nothing mattered anymore. His eyelids began to feel heavy, as he felt a sense of fatigue come over him, startling him at first then he found it to be logical, for it was still night and he had not slept at all, and so he succumbed without a seconds worth of hesitation.


	4. Part: 4

Proud of My Loneliness

~Part: 4~

Gentle humming could be heard, the sound a mother's voice makes, while she serenades to her sleeping child…why would he be hearing that, he had no mother, he had no parents for that matter. His brow twitched as the song carried on, changing tune and pitch to form a kind of lullaby, which would have worked on him, had he not been so bothered by the noise that interrupted his empty slumber. He opened his eyes, only to find himself surrounded by an empty blackness, the humming continued, but now it was different. It was no longer a female voice, but had become the gentle chants of a man deep in prayer and meditation. Goku frowned as he looked about himself, finding nothing but the empty blackness…then where was that sound coming from, _'It is coming from yourself…or rather from deep within, provided by your memories,'_ came the reply which sourced from his inner voice, his logical mind.

            "Goku…" a familiar voice called, their tone calm and cold, although it seemed to carry with it, a vague sense of companionship.

            "W-Who's there?" the brown-haired youkai asked, turning about rapidly, trying to find the owner of the voice, "Show yourself!"

            "Goku…" again his name is said, but this time by a different voice, even though it was male, it held a hint of playfulness, instead of the previous ones harsh tones.

            "Goku…" a third time his name is said, the voice this time being light and friendly, glossed over with their kindly manner. His breathing quickened and he had to force himself to calm down, who were these people and why were they saying his name.

            "Who are you dammit?! Show yourself!" he demanded, stopping in his search, his hands clenched into tight fists as he yelled out in frustration, "Who are you?!" he called again, then fell to his knees, doubled over as he began to sob. Tears streamed down his face as he pounded the hard surface, of what appeared to be the terrestrial side of this realm. "Why are you calling me…?" he asked, his voice coming out in weak gasps, as he tried to steady himself. There was no answer, not even from the voice deep within, there was only silence, the reminder of his decision to be alone. "Tell me…please…" he whispered, his voice devoid of emotion, except for desperation, as he helplessly slumped onto his side. _'They won't answer you…'_ the voice said, as though what they were pointing out was obvious, _'you've made your decision to be alone…and so that is how it will be…you're alone now, no one to bother you, no one to hurt or belittle you…no one to affect you in any possible way…this is your loneliness…your wish come true,'_ it explained, the tone practical and empty of any emotion he expected.

For some reason the teenage youkai felt hurt by this revelation, yes he had expected it, but for some reason he was scared and pained to hear it. Why had he ever wished for such a thing to befall upon him anyway, "I guess I can't remember…even though I know why…" he mused, apathetically.

            "Now, don't go sounding like that you stupid ape," came that harsh voice once more, although it now seemed almost pleasant, but almost, since whoever it was, was keeping their true emotions hidden, as they always did. Goku shifted a bit, catching sight of a pale-yellow coloured robe, the ends of which just about brushed the ground where the figure stood. The person knelt down, and the teen could feel them place a hand on his head in an affectionate manner. At this gesture, he could feel his eyes begin to prick with the tears that formed and welled up within them.

            "Come on, you dumbass monkey, you're much stronger than this," commented the second voice that had appeared, their tone friendly and playful at the same time. Goku sniffed, but made no attempt to stifle the tears and sobs that made their out without resistance.

            "Who are you people…that show such worry?" he heard himself ask, the words passing his lips unbidden, his voice seemingly separate from his emotional condition. He saw boots take form before him, appearing out of the darkness. The figure knelt, revealing brown, combat-like trousers that were bunched up at the knees, where the close-fitting boots came up. He saw the mans hand reach out and swipe at the tears that streamed from his eyes, and could just about see the ends of his red strands of hair as he leant in.

            "We're your friends, Goku," the third and final voice claimed, as their figure appeared, standing beside the one with red hair. He could just make out the mans creamy-brown trousers, brushing his black shoes, and sensed that they had knelt beside him, just like the other two.

            "Friends…?" he repeated, his tone just barely hinting at his curiosity, "How can that be…I'm alone…by myself-"

            "Just cut the bullshit, okay, you're not alone…or we wouldn't be here…" the redhead exclaimed, cutting off the youth's incoherent ramblings. Goku's brow twitched as a seemingly familiar emotion of annoyance settled, but quickly died away, leaving him confused.

            "I'm afraid I really don't know what you mean…I don't have any friends…I have no one," he stated, his tone soft and apologetic, though still hinting at the haunting solitude he had put himself into.

            "Listen, you brainless bastard, it's me…Gojyo, the perverted kappa! I make your life a fucked up mess, and you do the same with mine, get it? We're friends, even if we're at each others throats!" the man continued to say, his voice rising with emotion. Goku's eyelids felt heavy, he felt so tired…why was he feeling tired when he was already asleep, "What the fuck…what's going on?! Goku!" the redhead continued to exclaim, as his voice appeared to become a distant drone. The sounds of a struggle could be heard, as two men appeared to be wrestling with each other, "Let go of me, Hakkai!"

            "No," the gentle voice replied, strained with the effort of trying to keep Gojyo under control, "who knows what'll happen if you touch him," he managed to say, as he continued to wrestle with the redhead.

            "He's disappearing! We have to do something, or we're not the friends we say we are!" the louder man cried, trying his vainest of attempts to break free of the firm hold Hakkai had him in.

            "Guess there's no help for it then…" the man in pale-yellow said, rising to his feet as he removed something from his robes. The young youkai found it hard to focus, who were these people, and why was that loud man so concerned for him. He made out the faint and sharp 'click' of the robed mans weapon, at least that's what he thought it was.

            "Sanzo! What in the hell do you think you're doing?! Put that away now!" the redhead ordered, his struggles dying down momentarily, as the other mans restraining hold slackened, as they both took a moment to register what was going on.

            "There's no help for it, Gojyo…he's not gonna come back, he's gone too far," the man with the cold voice, now introduced to be known as Sanzo, replied, a hidden hint of sorrow draped over his words. Goku was beginning to find it hard to breath, he couldn't feel anything, all feeling had gone from him, and he couldn't make any sense at all from the current situation, of which he was vaguely aware.

            "Sanzo…" the name came in a whispered breath, of which he could not recall saying. He was no longer thinking anymore, that small voice was all but gone, and he was alone. The only thing holding him partially back was the presence of these three men, he had become suddenly aware of the robed man kneeling before him again, their weapon no longer held at the ready.

            "Goku…?" they inquired, their tone almost abandoning the mask he had worked over it, and maintained over the times he had used it.

            "Sanzo…" again he said the mans name, this time becoming more aware of what he was saying, and vague thoughts were beginning to take form, mainly one question that swirled within the depths of his mind, "…why…" Sanzo's face seemed to change as he cocked his head slightly to one side, his own question forming on his face. Sensing this, the young youkai continued, "Why…are we like this? Why don't you care?" The look that now took over the robed mans face was startling, especially for Gojyo and Hakkai, considering the fact that Goku could not see a thing, since he had not moved from his slumped position. The mask he wore had slackened, only to reveal a face of sorrow and partial shame.

            "Goku…what makes you think I don't care?" he asked, then shifted his position, as he scooted over and lay down on the hard surface beside the youth's slack form, looking into his golden eyes with his violet ones. Goku continued to look directly ahead, his vision obscured as he looked into the red plating that covered the front of the mans robes, despite this, he still continued to look ahead.

            "Have you forgotten? You said that you never cared about me…that if it appeared that you were protecting me, it was only because your interests happened to coincide with me being safe, and so you have never protected me…" he replied, his tone becoming once again distant and apathetic. Sanzo's face creased even more, as he seemed to remember the words that were spoken, and he drew in a steady breath.

            "You know how I am…I never mean the harsh things I say…Goku, I do care…please, could you forgive me, its just that I find it so hard to overcome the barriers and walls I've erected about myself, over the years…" he replied, his tone expressing his feelings of regret, he had no idea that his behaviour affected the young man in such a way. Goku did not reply to this, his eyes beginning to sting again as tears threatened to spill forth once more, but he stifled them, continuing to stay in that alienated state. His mind reeled with thoughts concerning this man and the way he had treated him, numerous times he had hurt him, both physically and emotionally, and this event had been the last straw. He couldn't take anymore, not from him, not from Gojyo, not from anyone; he just didn't think he'd be able to cope with anymore, and so he let his eyes close, and began to feel himself drift off.

            "Goku! No!" the sudden cry from Gojyo broke through his mind, seeming to be the last thing he heard, before he left their presence, disappearing into nothing and becoming the isolated, empty shell he sought to be. As he vanished before their eyes, Hakkai's grip on Gojyo slackened, allowing him to break free as he whispered the young youkai's name. "No, Sanzo, not you too!" The redhead exclaimed, as he saw the violet-eyed mans hand become a see-through haze, for he had reached out instinctively, trying to keep Goku within his presence.


	5. Part: 5

Proud of My Loneliness

~Part: 5~

He was alone now, nothing to bother him at all, he would no longer be hurt by anyone, or anything…this was his paradise, his isolation, his loneliness.

            "And I'm proud of it," he said to himself, he was curled up into a ball, hugging his knees up to his chest, as he buried his face within them, "all alone, and no longer affected by anyone…nothing can hurt me now," he continued to say, then trailed off, as though expecting an answer, but none came, only the empty silence. He could feel his mood become sombre, as he thought about whether he truly liked the idea of being on his own, it was kind of frightening, being separated from other people in such a way, especially since he had not done this while imprisoned in that mountain for five-hundred years.

            "Are you happy…Goku?" came the calm, uncertain tones of the violet-eyed man, the man that had caused him the greatest amount of pain compared to any other he had experienced. He did not open his eyes, but continued to stay in that curled up form, "I guess…you have a right to be angry…but this is no way t-"

            "How is it that you're here…in my realm?" the young man asked, not raising his head, nor shifting position in any way.

            "Goku…" Sanzo began again, letting the question fly by, "listen to me…this is no way to sort out your problems, you have to underst-"

            "Answer the question…or you will die here," he interrupted, his voice becoming harsher, as it gained a double-tone. Sanzo stepped back in surprise, this wasn't the Goku he knew, he had never spoken, nor threatened like that, ever.

            "Hey, what're you talking about? What do you mean, that I'll die here?" he asked, still ignoring the question that had become an order. Somehow, he managed to keep himself calm and composed as ever, but was taken by surprise as thick vine-like strands whipped out from the ground, seeming to take shape from it. The vines wrapped about his wrists and ankles, holding him up as though on a cross.

            "I warned you Sanzo…you should have listened…" the youth sighed, as he slowly came up to his feet, a cold, dark aura surrounding his teenage form. He turned about slowly, placing his cold, empty eyes upon the immobilised man, and began to walk towards him, stopping until there was only a foot between them, "I warned you…" he repeated, his tone hinting at a pain he did not wish to reveal. Sanzo gazed at the youkai, his expression indifferent, as he remained calm.

            "Are you happy…Son Goku…are you proud of this loneliness?" he asked, his voice coming out in a cold whisper, as his violet-eyed gaze hardened. For a moment, he swore he could see the surprise in the teens face, but it had disappeared before it had registered itself.

            "Yes…" he replied, an empty smile forming on his lips, "Yes…I am happy…and I am proud…" Sanzo bore his eyes into Goku's, his gaze becoming cold and disgusted.

            "You don't sound like it…tell me, why…why are you so happy, when only moments ago I sensed you weren't the least bit satisfied," he sneered, drawing up the line of his lips, so that his nose wrinkled. A spark of anger flashed through the young man, and he drew back a fist, preparing to land it somewhere on the helpless robed figure before him, "that's it, you dumb bastard, hit me…I know you want to, so do it, yo-" his world flashed white with shock, as he felt the teenager land a powerful blow across his face, a sudden burst of iron coating his taste buds, as he drew his head back up. A mocking smile played on his face, as blood seeped out through the corner of his mouth, and he laughed.

            "Shut up! You fucked up monk! I said shut it!" he roared, driving the wind out of Sanzo, as he rushed into him headlong, breaking the bonds that tied him, then landing on the hard surface of his dark realm. He continued to punch him, crying out with each blow, only to be further enraged with the passive acceptance of the punishment the other was receiving. "I'm happier this way! Much happier than I was with you!" he sobbed, feeling the rage begin to leave him slowly, "Much happier…" he whimpered as he slumped forward, hunched over on top of the violet-eyed man. Sanzo lay there, watching as the young man cried tears of anger, sorrow, pain, every negative emotion he had ever felt, he lay there silently, the painful blows having clouded his mind, only god knew how he managed to keep from crying out and, manage to keep a straight face.

            "Goku…" he whispered, calling the dark-haired youkai's name softly, "Goku…look at me…" he urged, and the teen obliged, looking up, his hands curled into knuckles that were pressed against his lips, as his empty, yet tear-filled eyes looked upon the beaten face, then froze. He looked into those violet eyes, framed ever so elegantly, even after this ordeal, by the amazing golden hairs that mirrored the Sun. Those eyes that looked into his, were different to the ones he had grown accustomed to…they seemed closer to the eyes he had seen when they had first met, the veil over them faltering for a moment, but now the veil was completely gone. Goku sniffed, tried to make his voice work, but only a croak made its way out, forcing him into fresh tears, as he fell forward, placing his full weight upon the robed man beneath him. He sobbed for some time, before he suddenly felt the weight of Sanzo's arms wrap about his form, comforting him, only to break him into further tears.

            "Sanzo…" he croaked, as his tears continued to flow, "I'm so sorry…" he said, his voice going down to a whisper, as he buried his face into the material at the older mans neck. He felt the blond strands brush his check and neck, and remembered how that had shone ever so enchantingly on that day, the day the monk had saved him from the darkness and introduced him to the world he now walked upon. It was all thanks to him that he was able to experience the wonders of this world, no longer chained in the darkness, but now a part of the light he was so denied for five-hundred, long isolating years. The monk tried his best to comfort the teen in his moment of sadness and despair; he drew him closer, his embrace becoming more protective, as he closed his eyes.


	6. Part: 6

Proud of My Loneliness

~Part: 6~

He could feel his heart beating, alongside another one that he could feel was placed above his own, then pain began to register in his mind and he drew in a breath. He was aware that his eyes were closed, and then sounds raised in urgency came to his ears, becoming words that he understood.

"Sanzo, Sanzo! Open your eyes, dammit!" came the urgent tones of a usually carefree person, but now seemed to be worried about something, "Sanzo! C'mon you corrupted monk," they continued to say. His brow twitched in annoyance, why did they have to speak so loud, it was giving him a headache, or rather adding onto the ache he had already. He opened his eyes slowly, his vision slightly blurred, then the eyes focused and he could make out the worried face of a young man, the face surrounded by long, blood red hair that matched his eyes. Two distinct scars could be seen along the side of his left cheek, but that did little to mar the attractiveness of his features to the opposite sex.

He felt a small smile tug at the corners of his mouth, as he saw the look of relief flood over Gojyo's face, and then turned slightly to find Hakkai looking at him in a curious way. He frowned, wondering what could be making him look at him that way, then realised his arms were wrapped about the body of the young youkai. He started suddenly, aware that Goku had quieted and was no longer making a sound, but the sudden movement shocked him, as the bruises from the beatings he had taken burned with the disturbance.

            "What happened?" Hakkai asked, as he supported the monks weakened body, his tone gentle as always, yet practical. Gojyo reached out a hand to place it on Goku's shoulder, to see if he was okay, but froze as Sanzo gave him a look that clearly told him not to touch the boy.

            "Forgive me Hakkai…" the blond man apologised, his tone soft as he returned his attention to the dark haired man, as the half-breed obliged with his wishes and drew back his hand, "…what happened must remain a secret…" Understanding his wishes, Hakkai nodded then almost jumped in surprise as Goku began to groan as he awoke. Gojyo shuffled back a bit, as the young youkai pushed himself up, coming into a sitting position as he rubbed his head, as though trying to rid it of an ache.

            "Sanzo…" he began to say, but was cut off as the monk hushed him to be quiet. He opened his eyes, and blinked owlishly as he scooted back slightly, giving the robed man enough room so as to sit up. He blinked in near confusion as he saw the blond man display a small smile, but nodded and smiled back, he now understood what was to happen. He stood up, helping the older man to his feet, then stepped back, watching as the other two men, although somewhat confused, but content with what they knew, took their placed beside him. "Thanks…" he said, and watched as the three men vanished into the depths of his mind, having completed their task. Goku continued to smile, as he looked at the spot they had once stood at, then yawned as a sudden sense of fatigue took over him, then began to disappear himself, but no longer to that isolating world, but to another one.

~*~

Nature's song filled the air, surrounding him and entering his mind through the mediums that were his ears. Sunlight dappled in from the breaks between the many hundreds of leaves, which made up the canopy that blanketed the wooded earth about the base of the hill. Goku's face twitched in tired irritation as the sunlight shone on his youthful face, then yawned as he stretched, a sudden rumbling sound from his belly awakening him as it caught his attention for breakfast, or whatever meal he was due. He leaned back, resting his head against the tree bark, grimacing at the empty pit in his stomach that seemed to increase by the second, _'Man am I hungry…'_ he thought, then sprang to his feet in a sudden rush.

            "Oh my God! Sanzo, Gojyo and Hakkai!!! I hope they didn't leave without me! Boy am I a stupid ape!" he cried, then dashed off in the direction of the town, stopping as he passed a large patch of multicoloured flowers, sprouting innocently by the path he was running down. He jogged back towards them, and cocked his head as he looked at them with a thoughtful expression, _'Maybe these'll do…'_ he thought then began to pick a rather large bunch, and set about separating them into three relatively equal bunches, depending on how well each man rated on his personal affection list.

Satisfied with the arrangement, he tied them up with make-shift strings, which was done by using a stem from another flower and making a slit somewhere along the end of the stem, but not at the end, and looping it in on itself, like he did when making wreaths or daisy chains, to pass the time. Taking hold of the three simple bouquets, he continued to sprint towards the town where the Inn was, hoping that his friends had not left him, especially since he had come to realise why he was able to endure this loneliness.


	7. Part: 7

Proud of My Loneliness

~Part: 7~

 "Come on Sanzo…we've been waiting five minutes, already…we should get a move one," moaned Gojyo, as he came back from his umpteenth scout around the town, only to find the monk still waiting outside the Inn. Sanzo had his arms folded, each hand placed within the sleeve of the other arm, his eyes were closed and he looked as though he was trying to block out the annoying sounds of the half-breeds whining, and the distractions of the towns life. "Hey, Mr. Worldly-Monk, I think we should get a move on," the monks brow twitched as he had finally had enough of the kappa's annoying pestering.

            "We'll get a move on, when I say we get a fucking move on, okay, you bastard kappa!" he growled, his voice deliberately harsh and darker than usual, as he placed an icy gaze upon the redhead. Gojyo seemed taken aback by those words, and raised his hands in resignation, as he perched himself on the second step leading to the Inn. "Any luck, Hakkai?" the monk asked, his tone slightly lighter than the one he had used on the half-breed, as the dark haired youkai returned from his scout of the nearby forest. The green-eyed man shook his head as he let out a sigh, Sanzo's brow furrowed, just slightly so as to keep it hidden, _'Just where is that stupid monkey…'_ he thought, his mental voice sounding with worry, an emotion he hardly ever felt these days.

A sudden rustling from within the forest caught their attention, bringing them out of their moment of worry, and rousing them into looking ready to leave. Their hope was short lived, for the thing that had disturbed the forest came gliding out upon its outstretched wings, and settled itself upon Hakkai's shoulders, bowing its head in resignation, indicating its failure to spot anything that looked remotely like Goku.

            "Don't worry Hakuryuu…I'm sure he'll turn up," the green-eyed man cooed, as he stroked the hairs along the dragon's neck. Gojyo looked between the two, then placed his eyes on the monk, who returned to his private thoughts. The half-breed sighed and stretched, then came to his feet, slinging his weapon over one shoulder.

            "Hey, you two…you can wait here for the monkey, I'm gonna go check out the beautiful women in this town, I hardly got to grace them last night," he announced, then began to walk away when a sudden gunshot was fired, the bullet flying right past his head. He froze where he was, standing still, knowing that if he dared to take another step, the next shot wouldn't miss its intended mark.

            "You stay the hell where you are, no one is going anywhere, unless I say so, understand…we'll wait five more minutes," came the blond's calm and cold tones, as he kept his gun still trained on the tall redhead. The taller man just stood there for some time, as though thinking about his options, then his shoulders sagged, and he turned about with a somewhat infectious smile.

            "I could never turn down an offer from you, Sanzo," he replied, hiding his dissatisfaction at the situation very well, with the use of smooth words, which would normally have a woman falling in his arms. Sanzo didn't flinch, nor did he show any sign of humour at the words, he just stood there with that hard, steel gaze which belied his true feelings. Gojyo let out a heavy sigh as he walked past the monk, understanding full well why they had already waited more than they should have done, each time being extended with the promise of 'five minutes more', but what if the teen had just decided to leave, feeling that he no longer wished to fight for a cause he didn't have to take part in, _'Fat chance,'_ he thought, answering his own doubts as he perched himself back on the step he had occupied for the umpteenth time that morning.

Silence filled in the gap between them, all three of them, as they waited again for the youth they had discovered to be missing that morning. They had been in a state, searching the whole Inn and town, and the surrounding forest, for some sign of the young youkai, and now it had been hours since they had woken up and began the search, continuing it whenever they sensed a derogatory yelling about to be sent their way, from the taciturn monk. Gojyo cast a look towards Hakkai, who stood leaning against a tree near the forest entrance, and was returned with a silent answer…it was time to go on their most likely fruitless search again. He let out a heavy sigh as he came to his feet and stretched, then jumped back just as quickly as a sudden person burst through the tress some way away from where Hakkai stood.

"Sanzo! Wait!" they cried, their tone breathless and desperate. They were doubled over, their hands on their knees as they were panting heavily, trying to even out their breathing. The monk blinked in surprise as he looked upon the figure with something next to curiosity, they were covered in twigs and dirt accumulated from their sprint through the forest. He was about go over to the youth to see if they were anything close to alright, when they suddenly straightened and launched themselves at him, their arms wrapping tightly about his slim waist and their face buried in the fabric about his belly. "I'm so sorry I worried you…I was stupid to runaway!" they wailed, while Sanzo tried fruitlessly to pry them off of his figure, and clean robes.

            "What-Who the hell…" the violet-eyed monk began to say, but trailed off as he looked down and into the face of Goku, his hair in such disarray and his face tear-streaked from sobbing into his robes, and possibly other reasons. The youth sniffed and buried his face once more into the pale-yellow fabric, only to be shoved and kicked off by all the might that Sanzo could muster, "Get off me you dumb ape! You're soiling my robes!" Goku stumbled back, looking at the older man with such emotion, that it could not be described with the right words.

            "You ran away…?" came Gojyo's half astonished query, he could hardly believe that the youth had actually tried to runaway, but what had made him change his mind, "Why'd you come back if you ran away? Part of the 'running away' bit, is to get lost and never return, which would have done us all a favour," He said, folding his arms and shaking his head in disbelief, _'Just how stupid is he anyway…'_

            "Gojyo! You did miss me!" the young youkai cried, as he launched himself at the redheaded half-breed, only to be held out at arms length as Gojyo placed a hand on Goku's head, keeping him well away from his torso.

"Just stay away from me, you dirty ape…I dunno where you've been," he exclaimed, as he tried vainly to keep his arm locked, since the youth seemed to have a far greater strength coming up from an impossible source.

            "It's good to see you, Goku…I do believe, that our dear Sanzo here was worried about you," Hakkai commented, his tones light and gentle as he expressed his joy and relief at seeing the youngest member of their group again. Goku turned about at the sound of his name, is face portraying a joyous smile as he looked at the green-eyed man, his dragon still perched upon his shoulders. The older man smiled back, then held up his hands in apology, "please Goku, as much as I'd love a hug…a simple gesture of happiness is more than enough,"

            "Which is why, I brought these!" the young man exclaimed, whipping out the three neat bouquets of flowers he had within his shirt. He grabbed one of the two bunches that were similar in size, and handed one to Hakkai, who seemed to blush and laugh awkwardly as he accepted them. Without waiting for a word of gratitude, Goku went back to Gojyo and handed him the other similar sized bouquet, and rushed off to Sanzo with the largest, handing it to him with his head somewhat bowed. "For you, Sanzo…to express my apologies at my behaviour," the monk looked at the bouquet, taking them with one hand as a small and rare smile played on his lips, the boy didn't have to do this, but he had.

            "Uh…you don't think we're gonna forgive you that easily, right? I mean the flowers are nice and all, but they're more likely to work on women, than men," the half-breed commented, looking at the flowers with a nervous glance and holding them away from him. He raised an eyebrow when he wasn't answered, but let out a sigh of relief when a cry of shock and pain escaped the young youkai, when the monk had smacked him with his paper fan.

            "You stupid ape! Next time if you want to runaway, don't come back, but make sure to let us know!" he cried, smacking the teen a few more times for the sake of it, while the younger boy just seemed to laugh with the joy of feeling the punishment.

            "Yeah, you better listen to him, 'cause I ain't waiting another bunch of five minutes just for you…I swear, our corrupted monk has gone soft, the number of times he threatened us and told us to wait 'five more minutes', it was like he had lost a pet or somth-" Gojyo had said, but was cut off as Hakkai clamped a hand over his mouth, seeing that Sanzo was about to do something, that neither of them thought he would later regret. Sensing that it was about time to go, Hakuryuu caught Hakkai's look, and flew away from them, only to morph into the jeep they used as their means of transport.

            "Uh…Sanzo, you think we can eat first…I'm kinda hungry," the young youkai stated, his stomach growling louder than his words to give them an idea as to the extent of his cravings. The blond man glared menacingly at the youth, and turned his back on him, making his way to the waiting jeep as Hakkai seated himself in the drivers seat.

            "You should have thought about that before you went gallop hunting in that forest, you brainless ape," the redhead chided, as he followed Sanzo's lead, and jumped into the back of the jeep. Goku frowned and pouted as he followed, and jumped into the back with him.

            "Don't call me a brainless ape, you bastard perverted kappa, and its not my fault I ran away…" he retorted, his tone matching that of a disgruntled child. Even though he was angry and felt a little urge to hurt the half-breed, he was happy to be back. He now knew why he was able to feel alone, and yet endure it…it was all thanks to his companions, they allowed him to endure the isolation he felt and the loneliness he was destined to feel. So, no matter how much he felt alone, or how much he was isolated, he would always have these three men to accompany him and help him through it, relieving the full intensity of what it really meant to be alone.

            "Here, idiot, have this if it'll quieten that damn stomach of yours," Sanzo growled, as he threw a meat bun at the unsuspecting teen. Goku jumped slightly, caught unaware by the sudden appearance of the item of food, caught it, and began to eat into it with a vengeance. He savoured the exotic mix of spices and meat, all wrapped up in a filling bread bun, and let out a contented sound of pleasure and approval.

            "Thanks, Sanzo…" he managed to say around his mouthful, the obvious lack of manners causing Gojyo to turn away and wrinkle his nose in disgust, _'Oh yeah…I am so proud of my loneliness,'_ Goku thought, as he finished off the last of his meat bun and lay back against the side of the jeep, cushioning his head with his folded arms.

~END~

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Thanks to the Reviewers

Hey there!!! I'd just like to thank you all for reading this story, and this will be where I answer all your questions about it, and thank you guys and gals personally. Well, on with the thanks:

To **Hakkai-san**: Thank you so much for your views, I'm so happy about what you said ^_^, it's given me the incentive to carry on with my next Saiyuki fic, and sadly, I won't be mentioning anything about here, other than its about a certain redhead we all love. About Parts 4-6, yes, they did take place in Goku's head; sorry if there was any confusion, but I thought it'd be a bit more effective if he sorted it all in his mind as he slept. Thank you again.

To **Hanae da Firefly**: Thank you so much for the support, man I've read some of your stuff and its really good, and thanks for the inspiring words ^_^, I'll keep them in mind. Oh, and many thanks again!

To **Mabaroshi16**: Wow, I never knew my work could be emotionally powerful…I hope you didn't cry too much, otherwise I'd have to tone my work down a little in future ;) Thank you! ^_^

To **Sadistic Shadow**:  Hehe, thanks for your views…I'll remember that next time I post, but to explain for the multiple postings, its cos I originally wanted it to be a one-part story, but then I looked at the size, and since it was already finished, I just posted all of'em up at the same time, but thanks anyway ^_^


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